Scarlet's Poetry Den - CyberSeries

Scarlet's Poetry Den

"CyberSeries"

Barenaked

you have never seen me
without my clothes
you've never wanted to
that I know about
you've never seen me
with your eyes
just with your heart
which means, at the best of times
I haven't had any clothes on
beyond the ones
the mind manufactures

slowly, as we talk
my desperate need to be honest
to at last tell the whole truth
no matter what the consequences
the layers are peeling

it hurts to expose the soft underparts
it hurts but I have to do this
it hurts that you don't deserve my burdens
but still I make you see them
it hurts that you won't turn me away
it hurts that you can't possibly understand
it hurts that you try to anyway
it hurts that I can never possibly repay your love
it hurts that the god who abandoned me
speaks to you so clearly

you have nothing to hide
I have a lifetime of shame
and fear
I've hid behind
so many walls
built so many facades
it has been hard to figure what's real

the truth is lost - somewhere
it doesn't want to be found right now
but still, you keep digging and digging
somehow you know that if you don't
I will surrender to those dark places
which promise comfort and rest
but which will crucify my soul
force me to repeat this damnation
all over again
I don't believe in much
but I do know
the gods won't forgive
if I ever give up

I can hear your gut response
that your god never abandons
just can't be seen by a hardened heart
least that's what the Bible says

my heart is not hard
it's a mushy piece of scar tissue
bandaged and stitched
leaking and pussed
you can look, but don't touch
the least pressure will completely
burst the seams

if I ever again hear
"Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam"
I could become homicidal
I think of the young girl I used to be
that was murdered so long ago
the one that believed
she was God's sunbeam

I struggle with her hopes and dreams
her wide-eyed innocence, her laugh
the superficial parodies that survive
now, my laugh, no matter how joyous
has a hard, bitter edge

today, I wonder
if you crossing my path
is your god's way
of saying
"I'm sorry"

if it is, then apology accepted
but I don't know anymore
how to put the pieces
into a nice, neat puzzle

I also know gods
are not generally
that generous or kind
and, just now, I'm not inclined
to figure out the peculiarities
of celestial politics

all I have is a river
where we share
the incongruities
of our lives
where I know
I'm safe

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